Whose kingdom is this?

So... I should be doing my seminar reading now, but I wanted to jot this down instead because I'm blogaholic, in a sense.

If you've talked to me at all this past week you've probably heard me whine and moan about a cappella. I won't go into details here, but suffice it to say that I've been upset and cynical about the whole thing, and, especially after Sunday evening, I felt slighted.

But Sunday night, when I was trying to go to sleep, I found that I just couldn't stop thinking about how unfair the whole situation was, and my mind replayed over and over again so many different permutations of l'esprit de l'escalier (all the things you wish you could've said in the moment but only think about after the fact). I was tossing and turning, unhappy, for a good hour and a half before I finally drifted off to sleep.

The next morning, I went for a run and thought that I could get my head cleared of everything. When I run, I listen to music I like and hum along, so I figured that it would block out space in my head. Unfortunately, it wasn't long before thoughts of disappointment, indignation, and spite crept back in. So I ran for forty-five minutes practically seething, and by the end of it I was tired physically, emotionally, and spiritually, too. I was tired spiritually because I realized that I actually hadn't let go of my disappointment. I thought that I had given it up to God, but I wasn't really willing to loosen my grip on the issue.

This realization hurt more than anything, because for so long I thought that I had finally gotten a grip on my resentment. I thought that coming to Swarthmore had really mellowed me out, and I didn't really understand why I couldn't seem to get over something so trivial.

I talked with Rachel, from Haverford Christian Fellowship, over lunch on Monday, and although we just barely breached the topic (again, my base inclination to play this particular Misery Poker hand with whomever will listen) before we had to go to class, she managed to slip in a thought that hadn't crossed my mind before: maybe it's not fundamentally my inability to forgive and forget that's the problem, but instead a hefty load of pride that's preventing me from accepting a situation that's subjectively worse than my expectations.

And that reminded me of church at Renewal on Sunday morning. It was only my second time hearing Pastor Skinner speak, and I was a bit distracted by trying to find the linguistic patterns of his Southern accent, but I did catch one very good point: If we, as Christians, claim to be advocates for the Kingdom of God, well, then, it does no good for us to act as if our world is actually our kingdom and that we're the monarch whose every wish must be fulfilled, down to the last jot and tittle. Right? Frustration, indignation, and stubbornness are all signs that we just want to be in control. But we're not in control, and we must learn how to see things from the perspective of the eternal.

Last night, I chatted about this with another friend of mine, who does not consider herself religious but gave me some coincidentally similar advice: No, Andrew, she said, we're not in control. But in a way, that makes life easier. She said that she's a drifter and could probably stand to think more about the future. But I'm hyper-competitive and want everything to work out so that I win, and it would do me good to chill out and remember that no, I'm not in control. Maybe, she said, I could pray that God would teach me how to let go.

So I did, and this morning, after my run, I flipped open my Bible and read from the book of Job- a sobering reminder of who's in control.

God says to Job, half-sarcastically, half in righteous anger:

“Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation? Tell me, if you understand. Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched a measuring line across it? On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone— while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy?" - Job 38-4-7

But instead, God tells us (via his prophecy to Israel) that while He is the one in charge of Everything, at least He's also in charge of us and He cares about us, too.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" - Jeremiah 29:11

And as for us, well, it's hard to talk to an invisible God, but talk to him we must.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:6-7

It will give us peace of mind to remember that God's in control, that He has our best interests at heart, and that the Kingdom we're living in is not ours, but His.